I have quite a few of things to blog about.... but as I sat down here right after a day and night of fun and laughs, bling and glam... something just doesn't feel right. Something's missing. And as much as I hate to acknowledge it and want to shake it off... I know what it is.



Amazing huh, the amount of grief one single miserable guy can wreak upon a person. Even after he's gone. I hate you, you know. Every. Fucking. Inch. Of. You. From your hair to your toes. Till the core of your bones. But I don't deny he has also been a friend in tough times despite his shortcomings. He was a royal pain up the ass. But above all he cared for me somehow and it didn't hit until he had to leave.


Admittedly, he's crossed the line one too many times. He deserved it; he saw it coming. I saw it coming. But still what hit hardest was the fact that he was so calm and accepting. Maybe it wouldn't have been so hard if he yelled like I expected him to. But I guess that's it la - we both knew the label "The Toxic Ex" was going to be one hard to shake off. Worse - "YOU ARE NOT OVER HIM."



Bullshit.



It is Day Two... somehow I feel a new mourning period as begun, reminiscent to the first. Whatever he's doing now, I wish him the best in life. Admittedly I'm worried ... do take care; I won't be there to save your ass or make things better anymore. It's been a wild ride, but I believe it's made us both stronger and better, emotionally especially. I never knew I could hate someone so badly. But I also never knew I could miss someone so badly. And I've also realised... I myself have treated you very unfairly... even cruelly, physically and emotionally. It's not what I want to do. But I did it anyway. We will move on and embrace life better. The rest of the world - judge me however you will. I am clean. I am not a cheater. I do not have to explain myself because I am not in the wrong. I have done whatever I could to show the world I do not harbour secrets; I am open and honest - question me however you will.



And aside that there is no question to where my loyalties lie. The fact that I had put myself through so much emotionally to "bring back" my current boyfriend... how much I've changed, done and put down for him... I would even lay down my life in exchange of his if I had to. There is no question that I love Ernie, and that is why I did what I had to do. I don't blame Ernie - he had every right to feel how he felt.

Say what you want about me. Hate me. Call me a liar. A two-timer.

I am not afraid because I am innocent. Guiltless.