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Thursday, July 2, 2009

I don't know how I should feel anymore.

My advance apologies if the blog isn't as active as it used to be... I kinda need some time to compose and sort myself out. I'll be back ~~after I've regrown a heart~~ after the autopsy.

Livin' Loud, Livin' PROUD @ 5:48 PM
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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I've always known that I always had strong inclinations towards being cold, antisocial and... well, strange. But sometimes... what never fails to amaze and amuse me is the extent of it... even, and especially towards people of my own family... how easy and natural it is to be cold, unfeeling and indifferent. I am indifferent in the face of "success" and "achievements". I am indifferent and unsympathetic towards "failure". I am indifferent, even cynical, about birth. I am indifferent, and even gloating, in the face of sickness and death. It's difficult feigning care, joy, and sadness, isn't it?

The next time you see me smile... think again.

I am a parasite and a gold-digger. That much I'll admit. But today even that has become a "so what?" and I don't really give a damn. I'll survive somehow, off something or other. Besides... I'm getting rather sick of all this talk about money and glamour and earning money and being able to spend more money. Uni. Work. Uni. Work. What's next? A future I don't even want? What is going to happen when I run out of things to distract me?

I invest in no one but me. But lately even that has become something of a bother. Why you do not see recent pictures of me on this blog anymore is because I've let myself go too much and no longer like what I see in the mirror. No point wanting to look good when it's no longer appreciated, right? I'm "off the market" now, anyways.

Friends? No seriously... sometimes I even laugh about this one. WHAT friends?

I believe I am constantly in denial over something or other. Just wish I knew what exactly sometimes. I am messed up and confused. I am lonely... but do not desire human company because it automatically makes me artificial. But if I'm not.... nobody would want me.

Do you know sometimes how liberating it is to be nobody?

I wish I could describe it in words to you, but I don't know how. Maybe if you walked my path for a little while. Maybe if you were hurt, misunderstood and betrayed as much as I was in the past... you would understand why I have given up hope on all humanity.

You too would understand why I no longer have a purpose in my life.

Livin' Loud, Livin' PROUD @ 3:27 PM
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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Ohhhhhhhhh shitshitshitshitshitshitHOLYshit!!!!
Big, baaaad beefcake alert!!!

Was out yesterday with my man... dropped by the video store at Ikano... and he showed me the lastest copy of Judgment Day........

Fuuuuuuuck. :P
Loveslovesloveslovesloveslovesloves

*babbles incoherently for next 30mins*

Shame on me.
You straying biatch, you!

OH! And if anyone comes across the tribute CD "Edge: A Decade of Decadence" ....
PICK IT UP FOR MEEEEE!!!!!!! Been scouting for it for awhile now.... :P

Livin' Loud, Livin' PROUD @ 1:36 PM
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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Yea I promised pics of my new fish. Well unfortunately I only have ONE, and not a very good one either.

My green and red Super Delta, Mist.... He was SUPPOSED to be a Halfmoon - I thought he was anyways, until I brought him back and took a good look... and found out he couldn't flare a full 180. It's so hard for untrained eyes like mine to spot such flaws at the petstore thru all that green water... Ish. But well... he is immensely loved for that gorgeous, unique metallic blue-green coloration with a red wash (I know lah red wash is a defect in competition but I don't care, HMPH!). He wouldn't keep still... and this pic is the only one that happens to be clear. I forgot to turn off the flash... hence.... =.=

Yeap he's also residing in my Crowntail, Midnight's old tank.

Midnight was relocated to the high glass shelf in the dining area, away from the coffee table and people in general. And before you start accusing me of cruelty, favoritism and whatnot... he's doing much better in the quieter area and hes still so small, there's perfectly enough space in that jar, thank you very much. He's not so stressed now and is back to being an active and lovable lil fishie!

Beautiful flare. Gotta work on my photography skills.... how do the guys at the betta forum take such flawless, reflection-free photos of their prize fishes????

I haven't given up on trying to take a perfect picture of my tri-colour Halfmoon, Mirage, yet either!

=.= So much energy.... he refuses to sit still.

Check out the great lavender coloration!!

No pics of Chomper cos he's still deathly terrified and I'd rather save him the horror. Seriously...... =.= Betta keeping is such a huuuge addiction. Officially obssessed. LOL!

And.... I made peanut butter today! Yeap... good ol' homemade, natural peanut butter. Instead of splurging so much $$$ on expensive sugar-and-salt-free PB like some of the other guys are... I figured it'd be so much cheaper to make my own. Besides... shouldn't I be totally adept at preparing bodybuilder-friendly foods for my sayang and myself, anyways?? :D

First the nuts were toasted in a pan... and then moved to this big sieve to remove the paperish brown skins

I tell you this is seriously tedious, messy work... =.= You peel them with your fingers... then either stir em' around so they fall thru the seive... or toss em' and blow away the bigger pieces.
And I actually put in a good mix of almonds and pine nuts too...

Then it's all put into a food processor with a few tablespoons of extra-virgin olive oil...

And blended till it's all nice and smooth. :D

Yeap. RM4 worth of peanuts gets you this large container full of peanut butter goodness.... compared to those at Mercato and Cold Storage that are going for RM13-15... and they taste pretty much the same too! Perfect with Weetbix and rice cakes!! Yum~

Livin' Loud, Livin' PROUD @ 6:33 PM
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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Oh, and

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
to my dear friend, Michelle!

I hope you had a good one, and am looking forward for your return here during the hols. It's been freakin' forever. Thanks for seeing me thru my fat awkward days and every one of my fucked up phases. Boy. Was I one ugly, delusional kid. But yea. High school would've sucked big time without you. You know I love ya, hun.

Livin' Loud, Livin' PROUD @ 1:13 PM
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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

"Only through pain will you have beauty. Only through suffering will you find peace."
- Chinese saying-

Blood. Sweat. Heat. Hunger. Pain.

5 years later here I am.

Is it too late for me to realise I've made a mistake?

I don't feel good about myself. I question my faith and beliefs. I make myself so unapproachable and intimidating. I feel myself becoming cynical about "friendship", and scarily I don't seem to want to move from it. I was the girl who once said "I don't have the gall to bear grudges", and forgave with amazing ease. Today... hate has become my cardinal.

Looking thru my past entries I feel like such a hypocrite. I paint a picture of joy... Contentment. Pride. Freedom. I am the mistress of fake smiles, pretend laughs, and mile-thick facades. Shocking too... how automatic and natural this has become for me. Deep down I'm battling my demons. There is nothing glamourous about what I do. Just something to distract myself... an empty "goal" to keep me going. Looking back on my academic achievements... it's hard to feel proud and happy about what I've done because it doesn't mean a thing to me anyway. I feel far from beautiful. I feel far from proud. And heck, I've been in denial... sweet oblivion and denial. Whee-hoo, reality check! What kind of a normal, sane person talks to fish anyways?? Who's as delusional to believe they understand, love and need you, and honestly make you feel better?

I am.

I try so hard to make everyone happy... but myself. Walk a mile in my shoes... and maybe you too would become cynical about "family" and "friends"... when those closest to you are the ones who pain and betray you most.

Livin' Loud, Livin' PROUD @ 12:59 AM
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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Heh. Been meaning to write some stuff down but I've seriously been so occupied with my assignments and stuff thats it's totally slipped my mind and now I can't remember what it was. O.o Oh wells.

Anyways, uni is treating me okay (I guess) and I'm hanging tough in there, but somehow a part of me is still struggling to fit in and relate to what I do... if you know what I mean. Argh. It feels so screwed up that I'm finding it harder and harder to talk or blog about my feelings or describe and put them into words. It's hard trying to come out of being so goddamned antisocial and untouchable. It's hard trying to come out of being so work-and-passion driven and just STOP for a moment sometimes.

And of course another reason why I've not been blogging so much is cos I've been pretty occupied with my new betta brood (ask Ernie... he'll tell you the horrors of my recent petshop obssessions). As if 3 weren't full enough... I just SO had to add another one to the collection. *guilty grin* Haha. No pictures of my 4th betta yet but you'll get to see him pretty soon. :D

Oh btw you gotta check this out....

Some seriously big homegrown mangoes which my aunt from Brunei brought back.

Haha see. And I thought it was a papaya at first glance. XD

Haha... and it's so easy to make a gym-gal smile, no? :) Some guys from EF were nice enough to let me mooch a coupla packs!!

Last Thursday we went to New York New York in 1U cos they've got this Giant Burger challenge thing and Ernie was all up for a spot of gluttony.... Lol. You see... it's a gigantic 8" burger costing almost RM50... but if you can finish it alone, in one sitting, the burger is ON THE HOUSE!!! Plus... they give you this huuuuge complimentary rootbeer float.

My cheesy fries with sour cream... cos I wasn't really up for stuffing my face, lol. Love that stuff.... very generous servings of cheese sauce and (yum!) sour cream.

Ta-dah! Ernie's hugeass beef burger.

Check out the huge serving of fries too..... x.x Which you ALSO need to finish....

But yealah knowing that bottomless pit of a bf...... Haha.

Time for coronary mulfunction-inducing cardio!!!!

Livin' Loud, Livin' PROUD @ 3:40 PM
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Monday, June 15, 2009

So I picked up my fishies from the export centre..... :D
I actually spent quite a long long time there looking thru all the jars... was really difficult trying to pick out a good fish as the water was treated heavily with methylene blue and other anti-stress components... turning it a very dark colour. So it really took awhile to pick out two that I was really satisfied with.

And now allow my to introduce the latest additions to my "brood"! XD

My dark blue crowntail... came home very stressed and shy... he's loads better today but still somewhat afraid of people and only comes out when offered food on a toothpick...

Here's the best pic I can get of him for the moment. He's so shy he wouldn't even "fight" when put in front of a mirror!! But he's got some great finnage and shape there... and the interesting red-tipped bits.

And behold my new darling... a tri-coloured halfmoon which one of the Indon workers picked out for me. Very inquisitive, active, and took to his new home very, very well. Seriously begs for attention and food... you gotta see it to believe it. =.=

Pretty blur of colours :D

Not to mention, he LOVES the camera and seems to know that his picture is being taken - he stays still and fans out his fins as if he's posing!!

Gorgeous....
Eh. Of course I'm not being biased okay lol I sayang all my fish okay. XD

And yeah I've been delaying this fellow his post for some time...

My first betta in don't-know-how-many years... which reminded me how much I loved keeping them and driving me to buy the other two. He's named Chomper, btw cos he's so damn fierce and starts flaring even when he sees people. XD LOL. He's a common veil-tail from the regular pet store and only cost RM2 unlike his expensive neighbours... but very pampered all the same! And he's huuuuuge for a common betta (also the reason why I snapped him off the shelf immediately).. which makes me wonder if he's POSSIBLY got giant genes somewhere down the line.... :S

And I've never seen a fish so utterly terrified of a camera before =.=
I NEVER flash my fish but for some reason Chomper gets very distressed and starts darting/jumping the moment he sees a camera... had to distract the fella with a mirror...

So... yay! Those are my fishies. Lol. Haha I know what you may be thinking... suicide, kan, buying so many fish and having to care for them now on top of my stupidly hectic schedule... Hey but like I said I seriously love keeping betta and WILL do my best to keep em' healthy and happy. Explains why I did a proper tank setup instead of just stuffing them into lil glass jars, eh? They're seriously cute okay when they start nosing and playing in the plants. XD Lol I'm officially obsessed.... XD

K lah! Assignment time! :D

Livin' Loud, Livin' PROUD @ 2:23 PM
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Saturday, June 13, 2009

Bahahahaha!!!!!

Okay this is probably gonna sound really stupid to you...
You know now Facebook allows you to pick a username which shoes on your profile URL... so instead of the long profile serial code thingy that appears at the end of it... you can now customise it to read "facebook.com/*insert cool username here*". :D Yay!

So yea we are supposed to be able to pick our usernames on Saturday (today!) at 12pm but I totally forgot till tonight... but guess what for the first time in heck I actually managed to get ladyvanity!!! Yeap.... and usually it's already nabbed by some chick halfway round the world and I gotta resort to ladyvanity1989 or lv1989 or something marred by numbers and underscores or other. I couldn't even get "friendster.com/ladyvanity". Dammit this page would've been ladyvanity.blogspot if I had my way! So yeap. Haha. All the paranoia about not being able to get a nice, clean n' simple "/ladyvanity"..... and I got it!!

.......

Anyways I'm really looking forward to tommorow... I got an off day and no nothing very special is going on... but I'll be going to bring my new "boys" home tommorow from Subang!!! :D Lol.

Ok lah I'm not getting puppies or kitties... I'm going to pick up bettas. Y' know. Fighting fish....

*awkward silence*

Yes lah go ahead and laugh (I know some of you who do!!!)... whats wrong with liking to keep fighting fish eh? I mean, c'mon if I wanna raise a family of snakes like I've always wanted to I gotta at least be able to take care of FISH, no? Well anyways.... they're not just any kind of betta... they're expensive, breeder-quality betta. Thats why we're going all the way to get them straight from the exporter. :D

And I'm supposed to be studying for my IT and critical thinking quizzes but I seriously am unmotivated to do so.... blah.

Okay. End of random post. Seriously bored.... ERNIE COME HOOOOOME ineedstopokesomeone!!!!! Lol....

Livin' Loud, Livin' PROUD @ 9:21 PM
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Friday, June 12, 2009

And here is one pic from Day 2 of Movie Carnival... after our short skit performance.

Stolen from Anna... Malaysia's numero uno X-Men team ~~bringing sexy back~~ !!!!
Full-sized pic on Facebook. Love you guys lots!! Still waiting and hoping for more photos... haha.

I know it's not a very spectacular shot... but eh. I seriously think I look especially like Jean Grey in this one... even compared to my better pics from VIMA!

I duno lol you decide XD rofls... but I seriously do love my Black Queen costume!!

Aaaand memories of VIMA...

Lol. Go look for my full-sized pic lah.

Till the next time.... ;)

Livin' Loud, Livin' PROUD @ 12:16 AM
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