Usually... I barely talk about my jobs or events cos I have this superstition that I'll jinx it or something... but I guess this time it's not gonna make much difference...
Got an offer to do a runway show... rehearsals this Sunday in Kuchai Lama. I know I should be extremely elated. I should be glad and very thankful. But after so much trouble I've been thru to build up my career... fighting for what I want... I'm just so tired of having to seek parental approval time and again... having to follow their whims and fancies like a lapdog.
I'm so sick of coming home after a successful shoot only to be yelled at like I've done something so heinous. So sick of asking... begging for that chance to take a job only to be put down and shouted at... and eventually not getting a straight answer and having to ask again and go thru the whole fiasco over again. It confuses me so much that one moment mom is asking me to go for courses and castings.... and the next she holds me back and gives me shit about it. I've always believed in the law of attraction - Be positive. Want it enough. Work hard for it. But at the end of it all?? After blood sweat and tears I can finally hold it and savour it... and someone suddenly yanks you back and says "You're not allowed to take it".
What am I supposed to do?? Enclose mummy dearest's phone number with my resume!? Have you any idea how unprofessional people think I am just cos I cannot confirm a.s.ap/need to ask permission/whatever fucked-up excuse I need to come up with. I don't understand it... I thought parents would be proud to see their kid trying to be independant... putting in so much effort to manage her time... working to bring back some cash... making potentially useful contacts... submitting portfolios... But so far everything I've done... it's as though they see it as something so shameful. It's never mentioned to anybody at all costs. "Shhhh.... nobody must know our daughter is modelling." Fuck. You. But when my UPSR/PRM/SPM results came rolling in.... even that deserved 'bragging rights'.
I have let so many chances slip thru my fingers. I have let down so many people and in doing so lost valuable contacts as people begin seeing me as unreliable and not serious. Mom mocks me all the time comparing me with people like Amber Chia... "You're pretty meh?" "You're so fat, so ugly." "You think you can do it? Everybody also want it and and so many people better than you." But then nobody starts at the top and thats why I'm doing what I do now.
These days I've just been going to the gym... hopping on a treadmill for 10 mins... and spend 1 hr 50 mins at the mamak in a corner burying my head in my arms. I don't feel like going on anymore cos it's all so pointless. I keep telling people I want to take a break from the gym cos I'm hating training so much... but it's just hard. I guess the only way I can describe that is likening it to contemplating a divorce - you hate that cheap abusive bastard so much but in the end you feel that deep attachment from years of partnership... You're miserable, but you're hanging on to him cos you can't imagine life without him.
What's the point of making an effort to look good everyday? What's the point of getting up a lil' bit earlier to put on makeup when all you get is a dirty look and unkind words? Whats the point of making the best of what you can do to make your parents proud when all they do is scorn you over and over again?
"You remember or not that girl in the newspapers?? 16As... You?? Only 7As. Why can't you be like her? What's wrong with you? You're so lazy thats why your results are like that." Yeah. This is what I get. And all that I ever get. More put-downs. No reassuring words... no comfort. No "It's ok you did your best". No "You're better at other fields anyways". No "Your grades are not everything". My mom even lied to all my relatives saying I got straight 9As and told me to just play along with whatever she says. Even when I just mention I'm tired... not to complain but to seek reassurance... I get yelled at for not being serious with studies; how I'm wasting their savings and not appreciating my parents' efforts.... So my grades ARE everything? As long as I'm a top scorer you'll love and be proud of me?
Frankly I'm not looking forward to GameAxis anymore tommorow. I don't know what to do for my routine... I might not even have a routine anyways. I'm not confident of winning anymore. I get put down so much for the "useless" things I do that I have really lost my motivation. Why do I even go through so much trouble anyways?
I wish I had the freedom so many of my friends do. I wish I had the freedom Ernie has. I wish... people would understand.
My house is no longer a home. The only time I'm spoken to is when people need to nag, scold or shout. I don't see my purpose here anymore.
When will I be permitted to have control over my own life...?
Got an offer to do a runway show... rehearsals this Sunday in Kuchai Lama. I know I should be extremely elated. I should be glad and very thankful. But after so much trouble I've been thru to build up my career... fighting for what I want... I'm just so tired of having to seek parental approval time and again... having to follow their whims and fancies like a lapdog.
I'm so sick of coming home after a successful shoot only to be yelled at like I've done something so heinous. So sick of asking... begging for that chance to take a job only to be put down and shouted at... and eventually not getting a straight answer and having to ask again and go thru the whole fiasco over again. It confuses me so much that one moment mom is asking me to go for courses and castings.... and the next she holds me back and gives me shit about it. I've always believed in the law of attraction - Be positive. Want it enough. Work hard for it. But at the end of it all?? After blood sweat and tears I can finally hold it and savour it... and someone suddenly yanks you back and says "You're not allowed to take it".
What am I supposed to do?? Enclose mummy dearest's phone number with my resume!? Have you any idea how unprofessional people think I am just cos I cannot confirm a.s.ap/need to ask permission/whatever fucked-up excuse I need to come up with. I don't understand it... I thought parents would be proud to see their kid trying to be independant... putting in so much effort to manage her time... working to bring back some cash... making potentially useful contacts... submitting portfolios... But so far everything I've done... it's as though they see it as something so shameful. It's never mentioned to anybody at all costs. "Shhhh.... nobody must know our daughter is modelling." Fuck. You. But when my UPSR/PRM/SPM results came rolling in.... even that deserved 'bragging rights'.
I have let so many chances slip thru my fingers. I have let down so many people and in doing so lost valuable contacts as people begin seeing me as unreliable and not serious. Mom mocks me all the time comparing me with people like Amber Chia... "You're pretty meh?" "You're so fat, so ugly." "You think you can do it? Everybody also want it and and so many people better than you." But then nobody starts at the top and thats why I'm doing what I do now.
These days I've just been going to the gym... hopping on a treadmill for 10 mins... and spend 1 hr 50 mins at the mamak in a corner burying my head in my arms. I don't feel like going on anymore cos it's all so pointless. I keep telling people I want to take a break from the gym cos I'm hating training so much... but it's just hard. I guess the only way I can describe that is likening it to contemplating a divorce - you hate that cheap abusive bastard so much but in the end you feel that deep attachment from years of partnership... You're miserable, but you're hanging on to him cos you can't imagine life without him.
What's the point of making an effort to look good everyday? What's the point of getting up a lil' bit earlier to put on makeup when all you get is a dirty look and unkind words? Whats the point of making the best of what you can do to make your parents proud when all they do is scorn you over and over again?
"You remember or not that girl in the newspapers?? 16As... You?? Only 7As. Why can't you be like her? What's wrong with you? You're so lazy thats why your results are like that." Yeah. This is what I get. And all that I ever get. More put-downs. No reassuring words... no comfort. No "It's ok you did your best". No "You're better at other fields anyways". No "Your grades are not everything". My mom even lied to all my relatives saying I got straight 9As and told me to just play along with whatever she says. Even when I just mention I'm tired... not to complain but to seek reassurance... I get yelled at for not being serious with studies; how I'm wasting their savings and not appreciating my parents' efforts.... So my grades ARE everything? As long as I'm a top scorer you'll love and be proud of me?
Frankly I'm not looking forward to GameAxis anymore tommorow. I don't know what to do for my routine... I might not even have a routine anyways. I'm not confident of winning anymore. I get put down so much for the "useless" things I do that I have really lost my motivation. Why do I even go through so much trouble anyways?
I wish I had the freedom so many of my friends do. I wish I had the freedom Ernie has. I wish... people would understand.
My house is no longer a home. The only time I'm spoken to is when people need to nag, scold or shout. I don't see my purpose here anymore.
When will I be permitted to have control over my own life...?
posted by LadyVanity at
5:35 PM
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