Sometimes I honestly don't know why I try so hard.

Especially for things that don't matter to me and only to others...
Putting so much effort into things that don't benefit me and mean nothing to me but only to the pride of others...
And at the end of it all get into all the trouble and be shouted at about being useless and having no initiative and the classic "why can't you be like other people/other people's children".

I'm tired.


I try to show I have a drive and a passion for things.... show I have long term goals and dreams... and I have things I'm proud of. But its never enough. What drive and what passion I have is never enough or never good enough for others. Yeah, sure, all of you would be so proud if I was going to study medicine or law or something like that.... or if I had a passion for, say, quantum physics. But noooo.... I'm just a girl who's heart and soul is in the gym... and loves the arts, regardless whether it's performing, crafts or language. And they think the little things I do in my spare time like paper crafts and sewing are just a big waste of time. And that my modelling and freelancing is such a shameful thing. And these idiots think I'm going to do it all my life despite my constant clarifications that it's only a temporary thing!

I'm not perfect. I don't have the answers to everything... but I'm expected to have them anyway. And when I don't I get into shit for it. Even when I try to prove it's not my fault for something I get even MORE blame for it.

I don't have dreams of going to a large, prestigious education institution, or to go overseas. And for not, I'm always at the butt of ridicule and hurtful comments, and am always being compared to someone else.

I'm always trying to be friendly and fun and accomodating. Even with people I don't like. But I get tired too and when I just want to retreat away into my personal space and silence I get branded as antisocial and arrogant. Some people wonder why I can't just go "screw it, I don't care, I live my life..." and that is because these people just CANNOT UNDERSTAND what I have to go through and neither do I have their priviledges or freedom.

I wish people would sometimes just cut me some slack. I'm human just like everyone else and I can't be perfect all the time. I can't fit every mould or every perception or every whim. I'm bound to please some, and at the same time displease others.

I drastically cut my own needs to meet the needs of others and at the same time try to give continually emotionally and physically.

I'm tired of having to be there for people... but when I am in need.... nobody's there for me.

This time... I'm wondering why I try so hard to make everyone happy but myself.




p/s: If any of you want to know how I did for A-levels or what I'm going to do next... DON'T ASK. And no I didn't fail.