So. We have returned to the hellhole.
The past few days have been great, don't get me wrong... good things never tend to last long after all.

You've had a marvellous holiday! You seem like you've been having so much fun... People may say all that.... only because they don't understand.

Once upon a time... some of you may be familiar with the old Kimmie. The one who's mantra was to never hold grudges and to never hate. It's too tiring to hate people. I don't have the gall to harbour such unhealthy things within myself. I'd love to be friends with anyone and everyone. Do my best to be accomodating and accepting. And I'd try so, so hard to be liked and loved.

Then came the world bearing down upon me, plus several events leaving me a broken person mentally and emotionally. And the many years of trying to be a good person turned against me.... and years of hate finally erupted. And the new Kimmie was born. Today... I live in the past. I don't put it down. I remember. And it it these memories that drive me forward into my future. Forever striving to be better, to kick dirt in the faces of people who have humilated and rejected me, to laugh back at those who have laughed at me once. I don't forgive, I don't forget. I protect myself this way. Sometimes it seems I have etched a dome of separation between myself and my significant other, and the outside world, letting in only "select" few whom I know will never hurt me intentionally.

I have become aloof, arrogant....... anti-social.
I have torn out the heart of the gentle, selfless girl and replaced it with that of a judgemental, scheming bitch.
I desire no contact with certain people, some within my family even, which I have made very clear on several occasions.

I have allowed Ernie to become one of the main focuses of my life, despite many people not understanding this for I know it is where I am safe to be myself, and I am protected and loved unconditionally, regardless of how fucked I have become.

All this, I do to protect myself today and my sanity. Above all it hurts so much that I don't have a choice. I have been broken many times. I need to end this.

What do you see when you look at me?
A model at the peak of social popularity?
A performer loving the limelight and stage-life?
A strong-willed bodybuilder aspiring to make it to the top?
The luckiest girl in the world with a wonderful man at her every beck and call?
A spoilt kid with all her parent's money at her disposal?
A soon-to-be top lecturer at a prestigious university?

BULLSHIT.
In reality.... I'm just like you and everyone else on the street. Trying hard for a few extra bucks. I have feelings and emotions and I'm human too. I have limitations and I break down too. I cry, I despair, I become frustrated. And I get lonely too. Just like everyone else.

I'm sorry I was never the daughter my parents dreamed of.
I'm sorry I've come out so ugly and freakish in your eyes after years of my work and training.
I'm sorry that what I do is lowly and insignificant and warrants no praise.
I'm sorry I didnt know you expected me to have no privacy whatsoever.
I'm sorry you don't understand why I prefer to seclude myself and why I can't explain it.
I'm sorry all the men I date are never good enough for you.
I'm sorry I can't stand up for those I love either.
I'm sorry I'm related to so many FUCKED-UP people that screw me up and are the reason why I get yelled and nagged at so much.
I'm sorry too that I have so many fucked-up people in my life generally
I'm sorry I have no initiative.
I'm sorry that I have an opinion of my own.
I'm sorry that I am a free, independant individual.
I'm sorry that I don't want to do mainstream, moneymaking courses.
I'm sorry that I was even born
and I'm sorry I'm not doing anything to rectify the sin of my existence.

Like any other child.... I seek approval. Not constant damnation.

Today.... I am me, for what you have done to me. In future....

please don't question me of my silence, or why I no longer speak to you.