I believe I may have hit plateau again. And... it's 4 days before the Redang vacay...
Oh god needless to say... I'll be looking disgusting even if I hit the sands in, say... a burka.
*sigh* I hate that I get so beat down and depressed about training... get so tired after a certain stretch of enthusiastic, hardcore lifting and pumping.
It's not a matter of lack of motivation either... I have LOADS of friends telling me to buck up... people giving me a friendly push... people offering a spot or buying me a protein shake... And I've always been the go-getter and the lil kid on some sort of a hyper drive at EF. I'm amazed at the amount of people now who ask me why am I not training when they see me just sitting on my own in a corner. I tell myself it's all in the head over and over again and yet I feel this funk... like I'm stuck in a rut... feeling nauseous, depressed and so very tired. And I just CAN'T take a break....
I feel fat. I feel ugly. Yet I feel I don't wanna bother. I want to be completely irresponsible about the foods I eat. I don't want to care how much I'm lifting. Don't even want to bother about whether it's arms or shoulders or back or legs today. All I want to eat is roti canai and sambal tumis and chocolate mousse cake. I don't want to buy creatine and whey... I want to buy makeup and shoes and normal girly stuff instead. Have I mentioned bodybuilding is a bloody expensive lifestyle?
Just because I love what I do doesn't mean I can't get disillusioned and tired of it. I wonder why am I this different. I wonder why I can't relate to most people beyond the gym. I wonder why so far down my past, when little girls were playing dress-up and masak-masak and ring-around-the-rosie.... I was picking fights with boys in my class. People loved the pop stars... I idolized the muscular woman in the poster of a gym equipment store (I found out many many years later it was Valentina Chepiga). *sigh* My love, my dream; my blood, the air I breathe... my curse, my greatest enemy, my tormentor.
Sigh. I'm talking rubbish again... Just needed to get things off my chest. Whatever it is... I'll get back on track soon. My faith in the iron shall prevail... in time. Ciao and goodnight, world.
[edit @ 1.27am] For some stupid reason or another my favicon is no longer showing on IE!!! Arrrgh... If you are using an IE browser but CAN see my favicon (it's a black stripper heel on a pink background) do give me a holla cos that would take abit off my mind...... weirdly enough the favi shows on Mozilla... and NO I've not fixed my Mozilla codes yet... neither do I know how to - the marquee/scroll html doesnt work there no matter what I do!! My custom cursors aren't compatible either which is such. A. Fucking. Letdown. *hysterical scream* Someone buy me Baskin Robbins. Please. Or a nice frothy Dymatize butter toffee shake. Whatever.
Oh god needless to say... I'll be looking disgusting even if I hit the sands in, say... a burka.
*sigh* I hate that I get so beat down and depressed about training... get so tired after a certain stretch of enthusiastic, hardcore lifting and pumping.
It's not a matter of lack of motivation either... I have LOADS of friends telling me to buck up... people giving me a friendly push... people offering a spot or buying me a protein shake... And I've always been the go-getter and the lil kid on some sort of a hyper drive at EF. I'm amazed at the amount of people now who ask me why am I not training when they see me just sitting on my own in a corner. I tell myself it's all in the head over and over again and yet I feel this funk... like I'm stuck in a rut... feeling nauseous, depressed and so very tired. And I just CAN'T take a break....
I feel fat. I feel ugly. Yet I feel I don't wanna bother. I want to be completely irresponsible about the foods I eat. I don't want to care how much I'm lifting. Don't even want to bother about whether it's arms or shoulders or back or legs today. All I want to eat is roti canai and sambal tumis and chocolate mousse cake. I don't want to buy creatine and whey... I want to buy makeup and shoes and normal girly stuff instead. Have I mentioned bodybuilding is a bloody expensive lifestyle?
Just because I love what I do doesn't mean I can't get disillusioned and tired of it. I wonder why am I this different. I wonder why I can't relate to most people beyond the gym. I wonder why so far down my past, when little girls were playing dress-up and masak-masak and ring-around-the-rosie.... I was picking fights with boys in my class. People loved the pop stars... I idolized the muscular woman in the poster of a gym equipment store (I found out many many years later it was Valentina Chepiga). *sigh* My love, my dream; my blood, the air I breathe... my curse, my greatest enemy, my tormentor.
Sigh. I'm talking rubbish again... Just needed to get things off my chest. Whatever it is... I'll get back on track soon. My faith in the iron shall prevail... in time. Ciao and goodnight, world.
[edit @ 1.27am] For some stupid reason or another my favicon is no longer showing on IE!!! Arrrgh... If you are using an IE browser but CAN see my favicon (it's a black stripper heel on a pink background) do give me a holla cos that would take abit off my mind...... weirdly enough the favi shows on Mozilla... and NO I've not fixed my Mozilla codes yet... neither do I know how to - the marquee/scroll html doesnt work there no matter what I do!! My custom cursors aren't compatible either which is such. A. Fucking. Letdown. *hysterical scream* Someone buy me Baskin Robbins. Please. Or a nice frothy Dymatize butter toffee shake. Whatever.
posted by LadyVanity at
10:42 PM
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