This one... is for you... And to us.

I was overcome with a sudden "desire" to peruse the pages of my old Xanga blog. Yup... it's been dead for so long... and in the process, so many old memories were made fresh again... so much pain and angst... I realised suddenly what a depressed and reclusive person I used to be, with so much hate within me. It hit me like quite a shock, how I used to be that way... How so many things have changed...

I smiled to myself reading about working at Fitness First - loved every minute of it... missed the people so much. My dance classes that I was so passionate about, followed by a tinge of sadness that my parents wouldn't let me continue... and how Rosli and I used to be so so close... like OMG... and how different things are at Energy Fitness now...

There were also things in there that I have put down to live a new life. Things I have let go and people I have dissapointed.

And I read things that made me cry so hard... and I'm crying even now as I'm typing this. But no, I'm not crying for the hardships (tho they do contribute some tears)... but what that really hit me so, so hard.... was HIM. And it just... reminded me... how much I loved him, and with such intensity. Even back then... he haunted me... and how I revelled silently in my tears and dreams...

We have come so far... it didn't really seem like that... cos I laugh about it... talk about it like a big joke and an adventure... but looking back... you had THAT impact upon my life. It hit me, that huge wave of emotions.... that knowing... you've changed me forever.

Ernie, do you know that it is you I am talking about? And I am just... overwhelmed... that I had loved u so much.... even back then....

Let me... go back to the very beginning.... sorry about the glaring colours... needed that to seperate the extracts...

Thursday, December 07, 2006
...and at 3pm we went to meet Ernie - the Mr Selangor and Mr KL bodybuilder. Headed to Kopitiam for a drink and I really enjoyed talking to him about everything there was about bodybuilding - competing, training, diet, supplements....

(And haha. I had my tragus pierced on the same day as well!)

(Then there was a long stretch where I didn't say anything about you... until....
It's odd. It sounds so sudden. I dont have much... just fragments...short excerpts here and there... cos I also will not be pasting an entire huge chunk of (personal) stuff here... and these were things I prayed you would never, ever come across...)

Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Met up with Ernie later for a chat and to hang out. Still in awesome shape, that dude, muscles bulging and outlined on his tight lycra shirt. I find I can talk for hours with him and there will still be stuff to talk about! Bumped into more people, and we just started walking blindly around without knowing where we were going cos we didn't know where to go! He showed me where he usually had dinner... now I know where to make healthy food choices in 1U! Yeap. I always enjoy hanging out with fellow bodybuilders....

(And out of nowhere...)

Thursday, April 19, 2007
It hurts so bad when you're trapped in between decisions. Hurtful for you and the people involved.
I wonder what made me love him. What had it been? His achievements, his careless manner of speech, a shared faith and religion, that body or the fact that he is so bloody intelligent and accomplished at his age. Or... the passion and the fact that we can talk for hours and hours would seem like nothing. Nevertheless I know I am chasing a shadow; something that flits by and that you can never grasp... He is out of my league. Way out of my league. And... how can one fall for a person you only know so little about? ...
He will never look twice at a girl like myself. In his eyes I'm probably one of those posseurs he's always talking about. He's on a pedestal... and I'm down here looking up... Looking up... He can't see me but I see him. I should just give up, I know, and go back to before I met him... Before hitting the send button on Friendster that determined our meeting...
But I miss him. I miss him, I miss him and I miss him.

Thursday, May 03, 2007
He could feel her frame nestled against his, both hands tucked under her chin as she slept at his side. She seemed so small, compared to his massive bulk of a body. He reaches to caress her flowing hair and she stirs...
...Oh Kim you have SO got to stop having thoughts like these.... I dont understand but they come to me in the dead of the night despite that I know how wrong it is to want him this way. I dream of it and when I'm alone it comes into my mind like an assailing bomb. I envisioned him last night before falling asleep. I woke up this morning thinking he was actually there with me. I can't remember the last time that I was this infatuated. I'm supposed to forget him. He who will never reciprocate my feelings for him. He may be reading this right now... but never know it is him I'm thinking about. It hurts that I will probably lose him if he knew. Just like the one I lost so many years ago because he was out of my league. It's not worth it, it's not worth it, it's not worth it...

(Yes. It brinked upon obssession. The scary thing is? I barely remember how I escalated to that point. I probaby would have freaked you out big time!!)

Tuesday, May 15, 2007
(In this post I was weighing the pros and cons of A-levels and Form 6. And here are the pros of A-levels...)
A-Levels @ Taylors College
/ no more school uniforms
/ friends (ex-schoolmates that I at least can get along with) are there
/ Ernie is next door at INTI!!

(I told you. And imagine my disbelief when my mom finally ruled that I was going to Taylors.)

Friday, May 11, 2007
Today had been my last day at work....
… and Ernie even made an appearance today after Eddie and Jay were done. I thought I wouldn’t get my chance to workout with him as I was leaving so suddenly, but he dropped by at about 11am. Ernie is one helluva mean muscle machine and I had so much fun training with him. And FINALLY somebody taught me how to deadlift! Didn’t expect him to turn up under such short notice… tho he said he would. Thought he would be a no-show as I had been looking out for him but he just didn’t arrive until much later. It meant alot to me. =)

(False hope. Again and again. I knew this was wrong.... I had to forget you. And I decided that I would try to...)

Sunday, May 13, 2007
...this used to be a great dream I aspired to attain... But this is the time I give it up. I give it up with a willing heart and a ready spirit in exchange for another. Life was never to be fair and sometimes dreams remain.... Just dreams.

(Until that fateful day.... Mr. South City Plaza 07)

Sunday, May 20, 2007
I attended the South City Plaza Bodybuilding Championships today!...
...Ernie, who also had to attend church first, came much later at around 2pm. He sms-ed that he was there already but I didn't see him around... Then I just spotted him at the very back of the crowd all of a sudden, and he was wearing an all black outfit with a tasteful tie. His gold-dyed hair was slicked back in a neat ponytail. Like, wow. And I just realised how handsome he could look when he wanted to... When I went up to him to say hi the first thing he said was "I don't usually dress like this." XD LOL!

Saturday, May 26, 2007

I wish people will just go away and stop asking me this stupid question that I've heard one time too many - "How come you're not dating a bodybuilder?" It's very astonishing, how people just like, appear and the next thing you know they're peppering you with questions about the significant other. And they don't know how much it hurts too...

...I don't have a bodybuilder boyfriend because they don't want me. Or should I say he doesn't want me. And I hope you're happy with that answer. In the meantime, if you see any huge Chinese bodybuilders around, tell them to swing by. That might change things abit then and I might not have hear that "Eh! You boyfriend... apsal ngak cari bodybuilder nye?"
"Ngak cari bodybuilder sal cawek muka jelik ngada orang mau!"

Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Maybe I dont mean anything to you... but I'm just too stubborn to listen.

Thursday, August 16, 2007
Kimmie was late for law class for 30 minutes today!! Wahahaha..... I actually lost track of time...??
Met Ernie up today during break to bring him to this pharmacy.... then we went to the market for lunch. Omg the sheer amount he eats, and what I would give to be able to eat that way...!! Been some time since we hung out like that. I always enjoy being with him.... my mentor.... there always seems to be so much to talk about!! Sucked that he was late to meet me... but well we all know KL bus service. ^^ Oh and his hair was still nice and long... what in hell what in hell possessed you to tell me he cut his hair, Jason?!?!? I dont need anymore trauma okaaaay.... there is already a SEVERE shortage of long haired men in Malaysia!! He actually trained at Perfect Gym quite some time ago....
Ernie, if you're reading this... I loved your company today. All the best for your finals and you're always in my prayers. And I will be waiting for you to ask me out and go play pool at Asia Cafe (but you don't bully me, ah)!!!!! Come visit me at Energy Fitness one day!!!!

(This was when I really began feeling more and more attached to you as... someone who acknowledged I existed. Of course my affections grew... my hopes grew... tho I felt it was stupid. Stupid to chase a dream of being with you. I was without a doubt, in the wrong to love you... I swallowed it and kept it in day by day nevertheless.)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

...you........ I have this...... desire, to call you and spill my feelings to you like I once did so, so long ago. Come to think of it it was you who called me during that suicidal limbo-like phase (and guess what I still feel indebted to you for spending, what, an hour's worth of credit calling Maxis to Digi). But I have my life and you have yours; I suppose my problems are too petty to be amalgated into your high-flying uber busy life. In a way... I'm glad that you are somewhat distant from, well, us (this post was about some trouble brewing at Energy Fitness...) . However I am afraid I will hurt you and will not be able to face you in future for I have gotten myself involved in.... far too much. But if you are willing and forgiving.... I will pull out, I promise, at whatever cost for your friendship is too precious for me to lose. I'm sorry if I have been your bane and burden, but it is because you mean so much to me that your name comes to mind so often in times of trial.

(This was referring to that first time you called me to comfort and talk to me about my depression. And I didn't think... someone like you was capable of giving such warmth up till then. But I got scared that you would come across this and realise and begin avoiding me. So I created a diversion. Something from your own blog.)

Here is a little something I took from my mentor's blog. He writes some of the most beautiful poems and inspirational articles, and at this point of my life... this one really tugs at what I'm going through right now....
...if you're reading this... I'm sorry if you feel I've plagiarized you works or if you feel uncomfortable with me 'airing' your stuff. I will remove it immediately, without question, if you want me to...

Saturday, September 01, 2007
Saturday morning.... another huge fight. I was supposed to go catch the monorail and LRT to meet Ernie and to go Golds Gym but mom was making a really big deal out of it....
...and I was feeling really fucked up..... but there was no way I wanted to go to Golds with Ernie like that. So I walked around on my own at Timesquare. Loneliness seems the best antidote for me. By the time I got to KL Sentral I was in considerably good moods. So yeah I caught the LRT to Ampang Park and waited for Ernie, and then went to Golds.
...of course there is no place like home, back in good ol' Energy Fitness... but really, thanks so much, Ernie for bringing me there. I even met the owner, Tom. Hilarious, the way he told me about the first time he saw Ernie!
Haha..... Ernie made me look so ridiculous next to him there - he's proof that bodybuilders can be big and muscly yet fast and flexible!
...lols.... Oh and you know I fell down the stairs while smsing and talking to him at the same time...? I was wearing heels, and my GNC bottle popped open and spilt as it never fails to do. Embarassing-nya!! But damn funny lah....

Thursday, September 06, 2007
You wanna know what?
No wait... you don't. Nevermind.

(By now.... I have told Chris. He encouraged me. But I was afraid. I couldn't risk losing you.)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

On Monday I went to Golds again with Ernie!

...got more pics in my camera.... but I'll upload those one shot another time with the other pics still in Ernie's camera...

...well, on an entirely different note.... Kims has been happy happy happy today~ Tired... but happy. I hope my lucky stars will continue smiling upon me.... cos I need need need it more than ever right now. =)

(Somewhere in October... by this time... I was dealing with that bad breakup. It was the same day I went with college mates to visit Cherns after this surgery... The same day Tim ratted on me about the shirt... The same say you called and talked to me for almost 2 hours to console and comfort me. I was free to love and pursue you by now. But I was still afraid....)

(And then... Simon told me. And you told me. But I was still afraid. I can't risk hurting you with a rebound.)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Part of me now feels fuzzy, warm and contented like a smooth cup of rich chocolate milk... but another part of me still feels as mangled as a fieldmouse in a weedwhacker (sadistic. wow). Yea... but nevertheless Kims wants to keep her options open and hang cool for awhile till matters of the heart are indeed trully resolved... and then she may, just maybe, be ready to love again...

(and then...)

Saturday, November 03, 2007

3rd November 2007, 1.22am
Cannot resist posting this... It was casual conversation, I SWEAR... but...

You honestly have no idea how much you made me smile.
And I wish you'd be there to make me smile for every single day of my life =)

Thursday, November 08, 2007
It's only been 7 hours... and I miss you already.I wonder how I'm gonna live thru the next 7 weeks...*sigh*
...I'm sorry I'm making you wait... Believe me this seriously hurts me...I pray I won't take long... But in the end... I guess whats a few weeks in the face of an eternity together =)
...Kimmie thinks of the strangest, silliest things sometimes.... but well, Kimmie likes to be able to dream... You've been everything I could ever wish for... It's unbelieveable, really, where dreams can take you: one of them, the most impossible, has come true; and I'm not giving you up without a fight. Never...

.*.*.*.*.*.*.

And the rest is history. Ernie and me officialized our relationship as a couple on November 11, 2007.

Looking back on all this... it brings tears to my eyes again. And it reminds me so, so much of how much I love you. It's been nearly 9 months already into this amazing journey we share (and this is coincidentally my 90th post. lol). Looking back this day seemed so impossible to me.

I'm glad... so glad for you and for today. Glad I hung on and refused to let go. Guess I do believe in dreams... cos the wildest, most impossible one has in fact come true. I appreciate you and am thankful beyond words for someone was wonderful as you... and for your love.

Of all the things that changed... of all the things that happened and mattered to me... you were the most significant.

I love you, Ernie. And this post is for you... and to us.