Okay. I know I said I'd stop blogging until I've found something positive to write.
But well unfortunately the urge to rant has gotten too strong and I'm seriously peeved about some things and as always, don't give a flying dogcrap about what you think.

This includes annoying, stalking family members. It's because of you people anyways that I don't have a life anymore and am resigned to being a mindless zombie so fuck you very much, happy reading.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with suggesting things to me... but it is another to coerce me into doing it. You know it's not like I'm deliberately shooting you down or deliberately saying NO to whatever you bring up just so I can dissapoint you. As a matter of fact I never mean to. I wish you as my mom would take a step back and actually LOOK at what I'm doing and what I have done. Things like WHY am I not involved in the Toastmaster's club... WHY am I not going for dance classes or learning something new... WHY am I not signed up with some nature society etc etc etc......

And you know what... before you went for whatever seminar that was (and it was only 2 days ago too!) you were so against things like these cos they "waste money" and "waste time" and I should be more focused on my studies instead.

If only you knew how much I wished I could. When I had lesser responsibilities and a good deal of time on my hands. But those days were resigned to studying and endless tuitions classes. Well right now those days are over. Look now. I work 5 days a week at the gym on top of attending classes at uni. I handle the same workload of assignments and studying as any student pursuing a degree... and I also handle clients and certain administrative works at the gym. And I have my own training to worry about. Not to mention the occasional photoshoots and events. You say this is why I'm so bored and depressed. You keep telling me I should quit.

Hello. You've stopped giving me money since how long ago?? Even asking for money to reload my phone that ONE time you had to make such a ruckus about it. Me? Quit my job? You senile is it?

I am working as hard as I can now to save money so I can go to Johor, to Bali, and then to Bangkok. I want to have damnfuckingawesome PT qualifications, including the pre/postnatal specialty course. I want to upgrade my open-water lifesaving qualification. As it is I have enough money to eat wherever I want, whenever I want; buy whatever the fuck I want and still have extras every single month. Of course in the long term it is not enough. Not enough for me to move out. Not enough for me to fund my own education. But it's SOMETHING and I'd like to see you give me that amount of money every month. Yes - being a workaholic means no time for friends. No time for yumcha. No time for chit-chat... even tho I TRY so, so hard to make time (Su Fen, Mich, Shuen-Yi and Shan... you know I'd never pass up a chance to hang with you guys if I absolutely could).

Extra classes? I wish. I so desperately wish. But that would mean more outflow of cash when I'm working so damn hard to ensure as much inflow as possible. And who's gonna pay for my classes? And what I have isn't for my happiness or glory either. It's for yours. Right now I can hear you nagging my bro outside my door... why isn't he a pro dummer... why doesn't he join fukd-up things like add math or physics competitions... Heck you're so caught up with "adding to the bragging list" you don't even care about what we think. Oh you don't think so? Well whats with sending mass emails about my stupid 3rd-in-the-world Lit achievement? I don't care donkey balls about that. As a matter of my fact I'll be buying crass sex novels with that book voucher. So much for academic value, blah! What I care about is my fitness achievements and qualifications, and certain soft skills which you don't give a rat's ass for. I taught myself how to sew and embroider. I taught myself how to work leather. I taught myself HTML and other forms of simple coding. I got myself into the modelling industry with NO contacts and NO help... solely motivated by the fantasies of being noticed by my Mr. Celebrity Fitness. Hell it's not much and I don't wanna seem like I'm "selling" myself on here but seriously... don't you see how much I try? You can't tell me that doesn't take effort and time. And I'm sure my bro's pretty damn awesome as he is, thanks, so leave him alone too.

And I won't quit my job to give me more free time as long as I can help it. I love what I'm doing, even tho it means a tight schedule. And I've grown rather attached to some of my clients too.

Shit, this doesn't belong in the gym but if I have to I will fucking study like a dweeb there.

My "glory days" are fast ending. No more fun and games. Welcome to the rat race. And soon even my modelling will take a backseat for more lucrative, meaningful pursuits. It's served it's main purpose already anyways - I got the attention of Mr. Celebrity Fitness... who is now a permanent fixture in my daily life. Learn to forget the time that has passed... times that I could've done so much more... just lacking that one little bitch called PARENTAL PERMISSION.

And you know what... you can call me an ungrateful kid for all I care. I never said I wasn't. I acknowledge everything you've done for me all these years... including bringing me into this world which I never asked for. But the toll it has taken on my emotional and mental state is definitely irreversible. You and your conflicting and fickle ideas. You contradict yourself so often and each time you believe your horrendously innacurate opinions are law. Even when I've simply "stopped fighting" and gave in to your every whim and did whatever you wanted me to regardless whether I agreed or not you still could find fault with me. No wonder I'm fucked up. No wonder I hate people.

You didn't understand me then... I don't expect you to understand me today. And today I have more things to worry about than lamentations of a lost childhood/teenage/youthful years. I see the world in a blaze of anger and hopelessness. Joy is fleeting and brief... almost unaccomodating for someone like me. Love exists in that one man I have poured my entire soul into, and shall continue to do so for his contentment is equivalent to mine. Solace in the very few people who are still sticking to me through all those tumultous years.

And oh yea I found something positive to blog about.

This is damn freaking nice. BCAA chewies. Tastes like milk candy.
All your fault lah Faidzal now I'm constantly obssessing over RM80 milk candy... =.=