"Only through pain will you have beauty. Only through suffering will you find peace."
- Chinese saying-



Blood. Sweat. Heat. Hunger. Pain.

5 years later here I am.

Is it too late for me to realise I've made a mistake?


I don't feel good about myself. I question my faith and beliefs. I make myself so unapproachable and intimidating. I feel myself becoming cynical about "friendship", and scarily I don't seem to want to move from it. I was the girl who once said "I don't have the gall to bear grudges", and forgave with amazing ease. Today... hate has become my cardinal.

Looking thru my past entries I feel like such a hypocrite. I paint a picture of joy... Contentment. Pride. Freedom. I am the mistress of fake smiles, pretend laughs, and mile-thick facades. Shocking too... how automatic and natural this has become for me. Deep down I'm battling my demons. There is nothing glamourous about what I do. Just something to distract myself... an empty "goal" to keep me going. Looking back on my academic achievements... it's hard to feel proud and happy about what I've done because it doesn't mean a thing to me anyway. I feel far from beautiful. I feel far from proud. And heck, I've been in denial... sweet oblivion and denial. Whee-hoo, reality check! What kind of a normal, sane person talks to fish anyways?? Who's as delusional to believe they understand, love and need you, and honestly make you feel better?

I am.

I try so hard to make everyone happy... but myself. Walk a mile in my shoes... and maybe you too would become cynical about "family" and "friends"... when those closest to you are the ones who pain and betray you most.