I've always known that I always had strong inclinations towards being cold, antisocial and... well, strange. But sometimes... what never fails to amaze and amuse me is the extent of it... even, and especially towards people of my own family... how easy and natural it is to be cold, unfeeling and indifferent. I am indifferent in the face of "success" and "achievements". I am indifferent and unsympathetic towards "failure". I am indifferent, even cynical, about birth. I am indifferent, and even gloating, in the face of sickness and death. It's difficult feigning care, joy, and sadness, isn't it?

The next time you see me smile... think again.

I am a parasite and a gold-digger. That much I'll admit. But today even that has become a "so what?" and I don't really give a damn. I'll survive somehow, off something or other. Besides... I'm getting rather sick of all this talk about money and glamour and earning money and being able to spend more money. Uni. Work. Uni. Work. What's next? A future I don't even want? What is going to happen when I run out of things to distract me?

I invest in no one but me. But lately even that has become something of a bother. Why you do not see recent pictures of me on this blog anymore is because I've let myself go too much and no longer like what I see in the mirror. No point wanting to look good when it's no longer appreciated, right? I'm "off the market" now, anyways.

Friends? No seriously... sometimes I even laugh about this one. WHAT friends?

I believe I am constantly in denial over something or other. Just wish I knew what exactly sometimes. I am messed up and confused. I am lonely... but do not desire human company because it automatically makes me artificial. But if I'm not.... nobody would want me.

Do you know sometimes how liberating it is to be nobody?

I wish I could describe it in words to you, but I don't know how. Maybe if you walked my path for a little while. Maybe if you were hurt, misunderstood and betrayed as much as I was in the past... you would understand why I have given up hope on all humanity.

You too would understand why I no longer have a purpose in my life.