Fuck optimism.

It screws you in the ass all the time.
And to think I took the day off for this.

The world has always misunderstood me and therefore I do not care anymore for it. I no longer desire interaction with new people... and even some already existing in my life, because it is all hopeless and will hurt you anyways. And you never know who will forsake you next. I meet many new people everyday and have many acquaintances, but have few friends, and even fewer that I trust. I know them, and hold them close to heart. Not for you to know.

I love Ernie and trust him because I know he would never judge me. I see hope in him, in a world devoid of it. You don't need to question that. It's simple really. In a world that has thrown me to the dogs, it is obvious why I am myself most of all when I am with him. He listens, he understands, he heals and he loves. Unconditionally. Despite of all the times I've hurt him he is steadfast and unwavering. Not once has he turned his back on me and I know if there is anyone who will save me from myself it will be him. My reciprocation and loyalty to that is unquestionable and needs no explaination.

Don't try to understand me. I have lost hope in humanity and it deserves to die. I can only do my best to achieve as much as I can towards the only thing that has ever mattered to me. I've already resigned myself to working as hard as I can 24/7 for what I don't exactly like, and not for my own satisfaction or benefit. At least my life wouldn't be wasted then if not I might as well die now and ever achieve at all. Besides, I myself an merely counting the days towards my eternal rest. I never asked to be born and can only hope to leave.

End of rant. Off to do something entirely irresponsible and daft to make myself "happy" now. If that word still exists anyway.