Someone's blog post brought tears to my eyes today. For private reasons I will not disclose whose it is and what it was about. But it touched an issue obviously very close to my heart that has been tearing me apart the past few weeks.

It's hard, pretending how I am so resilient and strong and self-sufficient. And how people take that for granted. Well maybe it's my own fault, for portraying such images of ego, power and independance (according to the feedback of others, NOT self assumption) that most forget who I really am. Oh there she goes again. Small girl with the big walk. The lady with no eyes for the men - only the training. Oh she's pretty easy to keep I suppose.... pop her in gym sweats with a dumbell and she'll be purring for hours.

People forget. I am a woman. Treat me like one.

Deep down I'm still this little girl who likes feeling a little princess-ey once in awhile. Who wants to be pampered and showered with extravagance once in awhile. Who delights in little surprises and likes to be a lil (ok fine, very) spoilt.

Hm. Maybe I should put in more effort and not look so loungy and laid back. I should be and look the part of a prissy, expensive lil bitch for a change.

It's so hard going back to the gym sometimes. You're in pain but you brush it off and for years you psych it into yourself that it's good for you.... you learn to anticipate that pain.... and the day you do not hurt is the day you feel something's terribly wrong. I hate knowing I'm in pain and exhaustion, but it's never going to be enough. I'm worn from what I do everyday.... but know it's nothing in the face of what I must achieve. I feel what I'm doing is so difficult... but I know that the fact is it is not enough. Heck - you're barely scraping the surface. Your poundages suck. You form and technique is appaling. Your diet is an embarassment. Your cardio session is pathetic. And you even DARE have dreams of competing. What sacrilege!

Do I have what it takes??? 4 weeks of my pathetic "precontest" attempt had me drained mentally, physically, and financially. For a little, little while I felt like a million bucks. Then I stopped the dieting. Weight came back. Lost my cuts. Lost everything I worked hard for. You know maybe I just don't have it in me?? I don't have the peserverance and capacity to become a bodybuilder? Heck even at my best I looked nothing like a bodybuilder.

I want to stop. But I know I can't. How can you take a break when you're not good enough yet? Do you deserve that break? Hell no! I know I've slacked off. I've become ugly. Looking at myself in the mirror disgusts me and sometimes I wish people wouldn't see or touch me. So how can I even think about rest when I've already been slacking in the first place? It's do or die. Lose your body.... lose everything you have ever gained with it. Lose respect. Lose honour. Lose dignity. Lose pride and position.

I have never done anything for myself because I never felt I was worth anything to begin with. I began modelling for the blind love and obssession for a man. I look good and wear makeup not for myself but to make other's look good. Heck - you know how much I hate all that bloody gunk on my face!? Don't even get me started about contact lenses. Euuurgh! The real me is content lounging in trackpants and glasses. And then people think cos of that I'm next-to-no manteinence. Easy to keep. PFFFT. I have tried to look perfect in every way on the outside so someone would be proud of me. Maybe I've been a joke all along, tho. Stupid fat chick trying to look like shes so damn hot.

Or. Now that I've tried so hard to better myself... I'm not perfect but I've damn bloody well gone up the ladder and am in the position now to demand so much more. Because I DESERVE so much more.

People are afraid of me. Not because of who or what I am. But for the company I keep.

I wish I wasn't so goddamned needy and clingy. I miss being single and free all over again with no commitments and no cares. But my conscience tells me I can't be this irresponsible. And I'm deathly afraid of being alone.

What happens... when "everything" is still not enough?

I AM FUCKING DEPRIVED. YES. LAUGH.

I fall hard. Love deeply. Withhold nothing.
Stupid girl. And I hope other girls, regardless of what others may have said... don't make this same mistake. People take you for granted. They end up expecting it of you unconditionally. Especially when you have held your tongue for so long, being so afraid of hurting. All that heartbreak - worth it? I have no one to blame but myself for dropping the standard THAT low.

I have exams tommorow. Somehow I don't care. I haven't studied at all for my finals. Answered my previous 2 papers very half-heartedly. I wonder if people know how alienating it is.... going to a place I hate everyday.... seeing people I don't like... doing things I don't care for. No passion and no drive. Not exactly what I want... but just mugging thru for the sake of a degree and a "future".

"Live for the moment". I could throw away so many things right now and chase many shadows if I did just that. I wish I were as carefree, careless and silly sometimes. But I know I will hurt myself. I'm always so preoccupied with making the "right" decisions and "right" choices. What's for my own good and what's not. What's gonna be ideal for my future. Oh yes I got this bad habit of "seeing ahead" alot and planning so intently for my future, mapping out my life. But sometimes I do wonder.... how can something so right... be so wrong at the same time?

I "encourage" myself to do "right" things even tho I don't want to and it hurts me sometimes.

Oh and if you're reading this... you know who you are cos you told this to my face... YES, I am in denial. I wish I could say I had a reason for it but well that'd just put me further in denial, no?

It's been a long time since I spoke my heart, unaltered and unabridged. I don't know if I ever can. Sure I vent on my blog... but what you see here is still watered down and ambiguous for privacy sakes.


I am weak. I know I'm weak. And one day, I hope I can be strong enough to walk away.

Late now. I need my sleep. IF I can get to sleep, that is. Goodnight all. Hope I feel better soon.