Someone's blog post brought tears to my eyes today. For private reasons I will not disclose whose it is and what it was about. But it touched an issue obviously very close to my heart that has been tearing me apart the past few weeks.

It's hard, pretending how I am so resilient and strong and self-sufficient. And how people take that for granted. Well maybe it's my own fault, for portraying such images of ego, power and independance (according to the feedback of others, NOT self assumption) that most forget who I really am. Oh there she goes again. Small girl with the big walk. The lady with no eyes for the men - only the training. Oh she's pretty easy to keep I suppose.... pop her in gym sweats with a dumbell and she'll be purring for hours.

People forget. I am a woman. Treat me like one.

Deep down I'm still this little girl who likes feeling a little princess-ey once in awhile. Who wants to be pampered and showered with extravagance once in awhile. Who delights in little surprises and likes to be a lil (ok fine, very) spoilt.

Hm. Maybe I should put in more effort and not look so loungy and laid back. I should be and look the part of a prissy, expensive lil bitch for a change.

It's so hard going back to the gym sometimes. You're in pain but you brush it off and for years you psych it into yourself that it's good for you.... you learn to anticipate that pain.... and the day you do not hurt is the day you feel something's terribly wrong. I hate knowing I'm in pain and exhaustion, but it's never going to be enough. I'm worn from what I do everyday.... but know it's nothing in the face of what I must achieve. I feel what I'm doing is so difficult... but I know that the fact is it is not enough. Heck - you're barely scraping the surface. Your poundages suck. You form and technique is appaling. Your diet is an embarassment. Your cardio session is pathetic. And you even DARE have dreams of competing. What sacrilege!

Do I have what it takes??? 4 weeks of my pathetic "precontest" attempt had me drained mentally, physically, and financially. For a little, little while I felt like a million bucks. Then I stopped the dieting. Weight came back. Lost my cuts. Lost everything I worked hard for. You know maybe I just don't have it in me?? I don't have the peserverance and capacity to become a bodybuilder? Heck even at my best I looked nothing like a bodybuilder.

I want to stop. But I know I can't. How can you take a break when you're not good enough yet? Do you deserve that break? Hell no! I know I've slacked off. I've become ugly. Looking at myself in the mirror disgusts me and sometimes I wish people wouldn't see or touch me. So how can I even think about rest when I've already been slacking in the first place? It's do or die. Lose your body.... lose everything you have ever gained with it. Lose respect. Lose honour. Lose dignity. Lose pride and position.

I have never done anything for myself because I never felt I was worth anything to begin with. I began modelling for the blind love and obssession for a man. I look good and wear makeup not for myself but to make other's look good. Heck - you know how much I hate all that bloody gunk on my face!? Don't even get me started about contact lenses. Euuurgh! The real me is content lounging in trackpants and glasses. And then people think cos of that I'm next-to-no manteinence. Easy to keep. PFFFT. I have tried to look perfect in every way on the outside so someone would be proud of me. Maybe I've been a joke all along, tho. Stupid fat chick trying to look like shes so damn hot.

Or. Now that I've tried so hard to better myself... I'm not perfect but I've damn bloody well gone up the ladder and am in the position now to demand so much more. Because I DESERVE so much more.

People are afraid of me. Not because of who or what I am. But for the company I keep.

I wish I wasn't so goddamned needy and clingy. I miss being single and free all over again with no commitments and no cares. But my conscience tells me I can't be this irresponsible. And I'm deathly afraid of being alone.

What happens... when "everything" is still not enough?

I AM FUCKING DEPRIVED. YES. LAUGH.

I fall hard. Love deeply. Withhold nothing.
Stupid girl. And I hope other girls, regardless of what others may have said... don't make this same mistake. People take you for granted. They end up expecting it of you unconditionally. Especially when you have held your tongue for so long, being so afraid of hurting. All that heartbreak - worth it? I have no one to blame but myself for dropping the standard THAT low.

I have exams tommorow. Somehow I don't care. I haven't studied at all for my finals. Answered my previous 2 papers very half-heartedly. I wonder if people know how alienating it is.... going to a place I hate everyday.... seeing people I don't like... doing things I don't care for. No passion and no drive. Not exactly what I want... but just mugging thru for the sake of a degree and a "future".

"Live for the moment". I could throw away so many things right now and chase many shadows if I did just that. I wish I were as carefree, careless and silly sometimes. But I know I will hurt myself. I'm always so preoccupied with making the "right" decisions and "right" choices. What's for my own good and what's not. What's gonna be ideal for my future. Oh yes I got this bad habit of "seeing ahead" alot and planning so intently for my future, mapping out my life. But sometimes I do wonder.... how can something so right... be so wrong at the same time?

I "encourage" myself to do "right" things even tho I don't want to and it hurts me sometimes.

Oh and if you're reading this... you know who you are cos you told this to my face... YES, I am in denial. I wish I could say I had a reason for it but well that'd just put me further in denial, no?

It's been a long time since I spoke my heart, unaltered and unabridged. I don't know if I ever can. Sure I vent on my blog... but what you see here is still watered down and ambiguous for privacy sakes.


I am weak. I know I'm weak. And one day, I hope I can be strong enough to walk away.

Late now. I need my sleep. IF I can get to sleep, that is. Goodnight all. Hope I feel better soon.

First day back in doing morning cadio. UGH. Has it been THAT long ago since I had a 7am run!? I feel like crap. Must be the poor diet and sleeping habits. :( Sigh. O Muscles, why have I forsaken thee?

Shopaholic alert!
I. Should. Seriously. Stop. Spending.

Ei but when was the last time I hung loose eh? I've been looking out for a chic new handbag for some time too anyways. My old one is.... well.... sad. And I only have one really nice and sleek (and overused) going-out bag, and one teensy black dinner clutch. I think its something I do need to spend on this time round.

So off I went to many different places to look for the bag of my dreams - the fluffy black + pink Juicy Couture tote I fell in luuuurve with months ago. Guess I was pretty out of luck. :( Tsk. That's the problem sometimes when you wait too long to buy something... wanting to think it over "properly" and "wisely" before spending... and then when you make up your mind and go back it's gone... and you hate yourself for waiting. =.= Happens all the time. Hmph.

Anyhoo. I didn't get my Juicy Couture... but I stumbled upon the sweetest, neatest Loewe bucket bag ever!! One of the newer ones too, I think! Strange eh - I'm not exactly a fan of Loewe but this one............ Saw it on the website the previous day.... went out and snagged it the very next!!!!

Haha all of a sudden so rajin to blog.... wtf. I must be in a pretty good mood.


Isn't that just the cutest thing ever??? *love* It's small, stylish, easy to bring about... but because of the shape of the bag it fits alooooot of stuff!


Totally love the side compartments for my handphone too! No more rummaging thru all my junk looking for one bloody phone and getting all paranoid thinking if I left it back at the shop/restaurant/toilet/car/gym............


Check out the cute prints and the neat metal badges that come with it too! Oh gee~ Kim is one very happy little girl! XD

It feels damn bloody good being high-manteinance once in awhile. Hell. Every girl should be pampered once in awhile. I don't usually hit town and pull out my wallet like this but.... y'know I've been scrimping and saving so long and working my damn butt off... Had to deal with so much emotional shit the past few weeks that god-dammit, I'm not waiting upon someone else to make me feel good.

So yeah. My custom necklace arrived a coupla days ago. I wanted it to be perfect, pulled out all the stops. And here it is now!


My commercial or glamour name, "Vanity", in 925 silver and gold plating. I even paid whole load of extras for a Swarovski diamond + setting in place of the dot in the "i".


Worth. Every. Fucking. Cent.

And yea I didn't get to have my JC handbag. But... oh Christ you do know how much I love that brand..... Hence my final splurge.....


Pics taken from Ablinc.blogspot.com . This here is a set of gold charm bangles. Juicy Couture immitations. The quality may pale in the face of the real ones here and there... but why care. They're pwetty.


Oh I am such a sucker for the cute, rhinestoned bling.

And that's it for now! I think. Haha. I'm really looking forward to the weekend! My big sis Lilian is coming down from Penang to visit, and I am really hoping to catch up. :D Maybe squeeze in a workout together!!

P/s: I have NOT given up on my Juicy Couture handbag yet. =.= The search is SO on!

Hm. Wonder how long this lazy mood shall last. Training has been bleargh. Not doing half as much cardio as I used to before the filming. Just find it so, so hard to keep myself motivated at times! :( I've been told to take an ENTIRE WEEK OFF and come back fresher and hitting harder but I know my conscience won't have any of it.

On top of that I've been feeling pretty PFFFT about some matters at the gym. =.=

But I know I need to start kickin' it. Lol. I'm getting fat. Especially now that I'm not dieting anymore and seem to be permanently carb loading...... on durian dodol and ice cream and Cheezels and Nutella and everything else.....

Oh wait I DID do cardio...... 3, 4 days ago I think.


Terry Fox 2009. At the Lake Gardens. Ho-hum. Nothing very much tho... big crowd all running together and getting sweaty, hot and bothered on an otherwise sleepy Sunday morning. OOOOooooooh but they were giving out free muffins after. :P Lol. Yes I'm terrible.

Ah wells. In conjunction to my very lazy mood... I shall have a massive food post on here.


Thick toast at Ming Tien... after one of the days of filming....
This has gotta be like.... 3-4am....!? Woot. It was okay I guess. I'm not a fan of thick toast... but I sure do love ice cream!!!


This was taken very recently.... The aftermath of one of my all-you-can-eat Sakae Sushi escapades with Ernie @ Curve. 42 plates. 80+ pieces of sushi. We sure did give them hell.

I also acquired this very recent addiction... No thanks to my darling boyfriend....


Popcorn.
Yeap. Damn cheap stuff too. A great big bag of kernels for only RM4.


So you pop them in a microwave oven like so....


And 3 spoonfuls of kernels gets you a huuuuuge bowl of the stuff. I'm having lots of fun experimenting with different toppings! Huhu. My current fave happens to be peanut butter + Milo. XD Oh I've also melted a Mars Bar in there before..... XD Yummeh.

I've also taken a trip down to Swensens in SS2 with Rahul, after one of our shoots.... one of my fave places to go for ice cream. It's been ages and ages since I've last been there! Gosh the last time I had an Earthquake was when Mich was still in Malaysia! That long ago!!!


Some berry ice cream thingy we ordered... cannot remember the name. But it was damn good stuff. Lol. Strawberry + mango ice cream with blueberries and peach chunks. Sweet, sweet sin.


Rahul playing with his new iPhone....


Cos Rahul happens to be vegeterian there wasn't much choice on the menu... we decided to go with this fried veggie appetizer dish. VERY generous servings, I kid you not. Surprisingly very light and crispy too! I kinda expected it to be soggy and oily but it turned out great. The pineapple BBQ dipping sauce was also really good.


Deep fried mushrooms. This one wasn't too worth it. Came out soggy and didn't taste too good either. =/ And very little, for the price you're paying for it.....


Oh and mom introduced me to this new vegetarian place... there have been several branches popping up all over the place including Taman Paramount. It's that RM2 for 1 rice + 3 vege place.... lol. And I got all this stuff for just RM2.50 (I asked for extra tempeh). An amazing deal for so much food!! There's quite a wide variety of dishes to choose from also. Seriously wouldn't mind eating there everyday if it wasn't that loaded with carbs and fats... it's so cheap!!

Haha. You hungry yet? Oh dear God.... I am SUCH a fat chick at heart! :P