It's dad's birthday today... but I'm sorry that my morning has to involve posting a really angsty entry on here - I rather get things off my chest right now than suck it all up and end up black and bloated by dinner... Don't get me wrong I absolutely love my dad. But the royal pain of a woman he married... that I'm not quite sure.
Got my blood and urine test back this morning. YOU SEE YOU FUCKER BITCH I TOLD YOU I'M NOT ON FUCKING STEROIDS. Everything's NORMAL and besides if I really were on the shit I wouldn't look so frickin' UGLY, FAT and AVERAGE like you always say I am. But oh guess what... on the way back home in the car you told me I'm probably on drugs anyway on some point on other thats why MY BLOOD TEST IS NORMAL AND I STILL GET SICK. WTFH. You know what, you want to see steroid abuse sooooo bad I'll fuckin' GIVE YOU steroid abuse and lets see who talks back to me when I reaaaaally grow into a six-foot anabolic monster!!
And it's not my fault you had to spend RM350 on med fees either cos YOU suggested going to see a physician at a specialist centre when I don't usually go to see doctors anyway when I'm sick... And I don't usually HAVE to take that poison they prescribe that kills your kidneys and stunts your growth and makes me feel like a drowsy, doozy piece of roadkill at the gym... Oi doctors meds probably are killing me faster than any sports-performance drugs la, woman. and here you are ranting and raving at me saying that I was making so much noise about wanting to see a specialist... and how I kept pestering her to bring me to see a gynae which would cost shit alot more money than the physician... HELLO!?!? That was YOUR smart-assed idea, biatch! If I wanted my pussy examined and prodded and have foreign objects put into it I'd consult my boyfriend, thank you. AND NO I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY I GET SICK EVERY MONTH PRIOR TO MY PERIOD I'M PROBABLY DYING OF CANCER AND THEN YOU'D BE SOOOOOO HAPPY...
You threaten to make me stop gym one more time and you can kiss goodbye to all my efforts at making this whole mother-daughter thing work. Honestly why do I even bother... Then again I don't expect anyone to trully understand why I do this and why I live life the way I do... But I do wish for acceptance and is it that difficult?? You always say you got a problem with my face but then again thats cos YOU depress me all the time and THATS why I look so pissed and demotivated and like I've got one foot in the grave every single day.
Siiiiiigh.... why do you always, always think I'm trying to pick a fight with you when all I did was just ask about what time we are going to 1U for dinner and cos what you told me about today's plans were different from what you told me yesterday and I need to plan how much time I have for my workout and what time I need to be home by... I can't help that my gym opens at 3pm... What is so wrong with me pressing just a lil' more and asking why the sudden change of plans... and I really want to head there early to get dad's present... but if you drop me there at 3.30pm while fetching my bro theres no point of me going to 1U so early and not have anything to do. There is only one small thing I'm trying to make clear.... I NEED TO WORKOUT. Then you come telling me that I'm so selfish and dad probably doesn't want any present and 'since I'm so poor' I can forget about the whole thing... and if I really didn't want to come for dinner I can just not show up and nobody will care... It frustrates me so much... have you any idea how many times I cry because of you???
Eh don't give me rubbish about how its ok for girls to cry ah. I don't care who you are.
You hate me so much.... but everytime I mention about getting a job and moving out one day... you threaten me with anything and everything about how ungrateful I am, what a useless daughter bla bla bla.
WTF.
At least I guess one person still understands... he may not understand what I have to go through and why I can't (doesn't mean I don't want to, hey) make my own decisions sometimes... Thanks baby for offering to bring me to workout at True Fitness today... I just hope I can get out of the house to go meet you and head there together. At this point I just feel I'm needing it so, so badly... the gym, the weights and your company too. I'm feeling so messed up right now... with my feelings, with all that stupid medication "that I better finish cos it cost so damn much", with how my goddamn body looks right now, with my screwed up diet... sigh... Ernie sometimes you're just the only reason why I keep going on with life.
Right now I'll keep my fingers crossed hoping I can get to Uptown one way or another... and find my baby boy and just have a good time with him... and be better by tonight before I see my dad. I know it can be very frazzling for him having to come home all the time to see his wife and daughter at each other's throats... and his wife at HIS throat as well... but aiya thats not what I want to go into now la...
Ciao... It's leg day today... Bring on the squat rack.
Got my blood and urine test back this morning. YOU SEE YOU FUCKER BITCH I TOLD YOU I'M NOT ON FUCKING STEROIDS. Everything's NORMAL and besides if I really were on the shit I wouldn't look so frickin' UGLY, FAT and AVERAGE like you always say I am. But oh guess what... on the way back home in the car you told me I'm probably on drugs anyway on some point on other thats why MY BLOOD TEST IS NORMAL AND I STILL GET SICK. WTFH. You know what, you want to see steroid abuse sooooo bad I'll fuckin' GIVE YOU steroid abuse and lets see who talks back to me when I reaaaaally grow into a six-foot anabolic monster!!
And it's not my fault you had to spend RM350 on med fees either cos YOU suggested going to see a physician at a specialist centre when I don't usually go to see doctors anyway when I'm sick... And I don't usually HAVE to take that poison they prescribe that kills your kidneys and stunts your growth and makes me feel like a drowsy, doozy piece of roadkill at the gym... Oi doctors meds probably are killing me faster than any sports-performance drugs la, woman. and here you are ranting and raving at me saying that I was making so much noise about wanting to see a specialist... and how I kept pestering her to bring me to see a gynae which would cost shit alot more money than the physician... HELLO!?!? That was YOUR smart-assed idea, biatch! If I wanted my pussy examined and prodded and have foreign objects put into it I'd consult my boyfriend, thank you. AND NO I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY I GET SICK EVERY MONTH PRIOR TO MY PERIOD I'M PROBABLY DYING OF CANCER AND THEN YOU'D BE SOOOOOO HAPPY...
You threaten to make me stop gym one more time and you can kiss goodbye to all my efforts at making this whole mother-daughter thing work. Honestly why do I even bother... Then again I don't expect anyone to trully understand why I do this and why I live life the way I do... But I do wish for acceptance and is it that difficult?? You always say you got a problem with my face but then again thats cos YOU depress me all the time and THATS why I look so pissed and demotivated and like I've got one foot in the grave every single day.
Siiiiiigh.... why do you always, always think I'm trying to pick a fight with you when all I did was just ask about what time we are going to 1U for dinner and cos what you told me about today's plans were different from what you told me yesterday and I need to plan how much time I have for my workout and what time I need to be home by... I can't help that my gym opens at 3pm... What is so wrong with me pressing just a lil' more and asking why the sudden change of plans... and I really want to head there early to get dad's present... but if you drop me there at 3.30pm while fetching my bro theres no point of me going to 1U so early and not have anything to do. There is only one small thing I'm trying to make clear.... I NEED TO WORKOUT. Then you come telling me that I'm so selfish and dad probably doesn't want any present and 'since I'm so poor' I can forget about the whole thing... and if I really didn't want to come for dinner I can just not show up and nobody will care... It frustrates me so much... have you any idea how many times I cry because of you???
Eh don't give me rubbish about how its ok for girls to cry ah. I don't care who you are.
You hate me so much.... but everytime I mention about getting a job and moving out one day... you threaten me with anything and everything about how ungrateful I am, what a useless daughter bla bla bla.
WTF.
At least I guess one person still understands... he may not understand what I have to go through and why I can't (doesn't mean I don't want to, hey) make my own decisions sometimes... Thanks baby for offering to bring me to workout at True Fitness today... I just hope I can get out of the house to go meet you and head there together. At this point I just feel I'm needing it so, so badly... the gym, the weights and your company too. I'm feeling so messed up right now... with my feelings, with all that stupid medication "that I better finish cos it cost so damn much", with how my goddamn body looks right now, with my screwed up diet... sigh... Ernie sometimes you're just the only reason why I keep going on with life.
Right now I'll keep my fingers crossed hoping I can get to Uptown one way or another... and find my baby boy and just have a good time with him... and be better by tonight before I see my dad. I know it can be very frazzling for him having to come home all the time to see his wife and daughter at each other's throats... and his wife at HIS throat as well... but aiya thats not what I want to go into now la...
Ciao... It's leg day today... Bring on the squat rack.
posted by LadyVanity at
11:22 AM
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