This is a really, really belated post.... cos I've not been in the blogging mood for awhile now.... but well I should be taking the time to write about a someone special who turned 23 this 23rd November..... :)

Haha of course it's my very own loveable, and very very vain meathead of a boyfriend, Ernie.

Lol. There's "His Royal Hotness" checking himself out.

The I'm-too-sexy-for-this-shirt expression... =.=
Oh and if you think THAT's bad..........

=.=...... Yep. I have aloooooot of fun documenting his "mirror moments". XD

Helloooooo Mr. John Morrison! XD

Oh being a girlfriend means sitting thru the thick n' thin, good n' bad regardless, right? Yep. I've had my share of the very traumatic haircuts. Oh this one wasn't too bad I guess.... in the face of what's he's done recently...... =.=
I STILL *insert profanity* HATE YOU FOR IT OKAY!!!!!!!

Okay hair aside... lol. It'd be unfair to not mention that you've been the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for, and I'm sorry if I've been blinded to that for some time. We've had our fair share of the tough and sticky times, but it is my promise to you that we'll ride the waves thru every single obstacle and I'm giving it my all.... even if it means breaking a few fingers, toes and/or ribs in the process....

But yeah. I love you, you big silly slob.

And I hope for years more down the line we'd still be the two mad people tearing down the house. :)

Once again...

HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY, SWEETHEART!!

I should quit making depressing posts for awhile.

I've been doing my very best these days to hang on tight and get over some of my personal issues. And I've also been getting off on found quite the stash of new photos of my favorite beefcake, Edge. Big yay for me - he's been MIA since that injury to the Archilles tendon.... :(

Oh but due to copyright issues.... you can be relieved that I'm refraining from a huge picture spamfest of Edge overload. Lol. But haha. Pics are here from the WWE.com gallery.

And there is also my fave fansite, Adam-on-the-Edge.net, that is BY FAR the most updated database with the most drool-worthy pictures. :P

Now isn't that the most aesthetically perfect man on earth!?!? *squeals*

Someone's blog post brought tears to my eyes today. For private reasons I will not disclose whose it is and what it was about. But it touched an issue obviously very close to my heart that has been tearing me apart the past few weeks.

It's hard, pretending how I am so resilient and strong and self-sufficient. And how people take that for granted. Well maybe it's my own fault, for portraying such images of ego, power and independance (according to the feedback of others, NOT self assumption) that most forget who I really am. Oh there she goes again. Small girl with the big walk. The lady with no eyes for the men - only the training. Oh she's pretty easy to keep I suppose.... pop her in gym sweats with a dumbell and she'll be purring for hours.

People forget. I am a woman. Treat me like one.

Deep down I'm still this little girl who likes feeling a little princess-ey once in awhile. Who wants to be pampered and showered with extravagance once in awhile. Who delights in little surprises and likes to be a lil (ok fine, very) spoilt.

Hm. Maybe I should put in more effort and not look so loungy and laid back. I should be and look the part of a prissy, expensive lil bitch for a change.

It's so hard going back to the gym sometimes. You're in pain but you brush it off and for years you psych it into yourself that it's good for you.... you learn to anticipate that pain.... and the day you do not hurt is the day you feel something's terribly wrong. I hate knowing I'm in pain and exhaustion, but it's never going to be enough. I'm worn from what I do everyday.... but know it's nothing in the face of what I must achieve. I feel what I'm doing is so difficult... but I know that the fact is it is not enough. Heck - you're barely scraping the surface. Your poundages suck. You form and technique is appaling. Your diet is an embarassment. Your cardio session is pathetic. And you even DARE have dreams of competing. What sacrilege!

Do I have what it takes??? 4 weeks of my pathetic "precontest" attempt had me drained mentally, physically, and financially. For a little, little while I felt like a million bucks. Then I stopped the dieting. Weight came back. Lost my cuts. Lost everything I worked hard for. You know maybe I just don't have it in me?? I don't have the peserverance and capacity to become a bodybuilder? Heck even at my best I looked nothing like a bodybuilder.

I want to stop. But I know I can't. How can you take a break when you're not good enough yet? Do you deserve that break? Hell no! I know I've slacked off. I've become ugly. Looking at myself in the mirror disgusts me and sometimes I wish people wouldn't see or touch me. So how can I even think about rest when I've already been slacking in the first place? It's do or die. Lose your body.... lose everything you have ever gained with it. Lose respect. Lose honour. Lose dignity. Lose pride and position.

I have never done anything for myself because I never felt I was worth anything to begin with. I began modelling for the blind love and obssession for a man. I look good and wear makeup not for myself but to make other's look good. Heck - you know how much I hate all that bloody gunk on my face!? Don't even get me started about contact lenses. Euuurgh! The real me is content lounging in trackpants and glasses. And then people think cos of that I'm next-to-no manteinence. Easy to keep. PFFFT. I have tried to look perfect in every way on the outside so someone would be proud of me. Maybe I've been a joke all along, tho. Stupid fat chick trying to look like shes so damn hot.

Or. Now that I've tried so hard to better myself... I'm not perfect but I've damn bloody well gone up the ladder and am in the position now to demand so much more. Because I DESERVE so much more.

People are afraid of me. Not because of who or what I am. But for the company I keep.

I wish I wasn't so goddamned needy and clingy. I miss being single and free all over again with no commitments and no cares. But my conscience tells me I can't be this irresponsible. And I'm deathly afraid of being alone.

What happens... when "everything" is still not enough?

I AM FUCKING DEPRIVED. YES. LAUGH.

I fall hard. Love deeply. Withhold nothing.
Stupid girl. And I hope other girls, regardless of what others may have said... don't make this same mistake. People take you for granted. They end up expecting it of you unconditionally. Especially when you have held your tongue for so long, being so afraid of hurting. All that heartbreak - worth it? I have no one to blame but myself for dropping the standard THAT low.

I have exams tommorow. Somehow I don't care. I haven't studied at all for my finals. Answered my previous 2 papers very half-heartedly. I wonder if people know how alienating it is.... going to a place I hate everyday.... seeing people I don't like... doing things I don't care for. No passion and no drive. Not exactly what I want... but just mugging thru for the sake of a degree and a "future".

"Live for the moment". I could throw away so many things right now and chase many shadows if I did just that. I wish I were as carefree, careless and silly sometimes. But I know I will hurt myself. I'm always so preoccupied with making the "right" decisions and "right" choices. What's for my own good and what's not. What's gonna be ideal for my future. Oh yes I got this bad habit of "seeing ahead" alot and planning so intently for my future, mapping out my life. But sometimes I do wonder.... how can something so right... be so wrong at the same time?

I "encourage" myself to do "right" things even tho I don't want to and it hurts me sometimes.

Oh and if you're reading this... you know who you are cos you told this to my face... YES, I am in denial. I wish I could say I had a reason for it but well that'd just put me further in denial, no?

It's been a long time since I spoke my heart, unaltered and unabridged. I don't know if I ever can. Sure I vent on my blog... but what you see here is still watered down and ambiguous for privacy sakes.


I am weak. I know I'm weak. And one day, I hope I can be strong enough to walk away.

Late now. I need my sleep. IF I can get to sleep, that is. Goodnight all. Hope I feel better soon.

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. Love never fails.

.........

Well.
Love fucking hurts. I hate my life.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I have lived a lie all this while. Blindly and ignorantly picking the bits and pieces that I only want to see or hear within my reality.... eschewing the rest into blissful oblivion.
Have I been in denial?
I'm conflicted and upset. And for now all I can do is pray for the strength to sit thru my current predicaments... and that what I must do will come clear to me in due course of time.

Right. That's that. On to happier things.... (yay lots of pictures!) I shouldn't really be dwelling on the depressing stuff now....
I'd like to introduce everyone to a very special friend of mine. I've been keeping him in the dark for quite some time, but within the past few weeks I've grown somewhat attached. So, guys and gals, without further ado.......

Meet Destroyer, my second hand 13 year old Proton Wira!
Lol don't look at me like that... I was inspired by the license plate number to come up with that! Oi knowing me... it could've been worse. XD Haha taking some pictures before he becomes too abused....... (Reversed him into my dad's car within the first week. I am not kidding.)

NOT BAD AT ALL, huh, for a 13 year old car!! Destroyer's previous owner is a Singaporean dude who has taken amazing care of the car.... and has even done a couple cool cosmetic and engine mods. Shit - guys from the gym absolutely REFUSE to believe the car's mine!

And that's the notorious muffler that's so huge you could stuff a cat in it. It's LOUD. Lol. The guys all say they can hear my car even before they see it. XD But damn I love it to bits and pieces... sometimes I wind down the windows while driving just to hear the engine!

Some very brief UPDATES on Malaysian bodybuilding....


Sazali Samad has done it again, bagging his 5th Mr. Universe title in Doha!
Clicky HERE to read more about it.

And the 1st WPKL Inter-Gym & Clubs Bodybuilding Open Championships will be postponed to March 2010 (TBC) due to lack of sponsorships. :( Very sad news indeed as I have friends amping up for the competition. Hope to hear more in future!!

Haha and back to fun stuff.....
My sister-in-iron Lilian was down in KL for the weekend and I have been looking forward to seeing her again and catching up, especially before she flies off back to the US of A. But what I wasn't expecting.... was a dinner at Concorde Hotel, KL (to think I wanted to wear a training top and shorts..... =.= wtf)! All thanks to the doing of my so-called "date"... who also happens to be The Beast himself......!! XD


Waiting for Terry and Lilian.... Aren't we all happy it's cheat day!?!? XD
Bah, that loose t-shirt does him no justice!! Wong is actually preparing for his pro shows in 2010, and is currently weighing a sweet, solid 120kg+/-. Will look absolutely threatening once he gets all cut up!!!!


The buffet spread! *gets excited* Yeaaay!!!


The cafe had a very nice and casual setting... perfect for group outings and get-togethers with friends.


Good food too!! :D They had these amazing broiled beef ribs like the ones at William's - I had so many!!! And hooo boy... didn't the 4 of us decimate all those thick, generous slices of codfish!!


The garoupa Lilian nearly kissed...... XD


And my fave section, as always.... the desserts!! :D Yum yum!! Oooooh cardio tommorow...


And here.... are the two most glamourous gals of the Malaysian bodybuilding industry!
Lilian looking beautiful as always, and I can only dream that I would have a killer bod like that one day in future!!


The 4 of us.
See lah. We ladies get all dolled up for the night and you two fellas turn up looking like slobs. PFFFT. XD How I love you lot.


Post-dinner.... chilled out at the cosy Havana Club for drinks.

Was such a great night out and felt so good catching up with everyone. :D We should do it again sometime soon. Have a safe trip to the States, Lilian - I will miss you loads and loads, babe!! xoxoxoxooxo

It's such a dirty mess imperfect at it's best
But it's my love, my love, my bloody valentine
Sometimes I wanna leave but then I want you next to me
My love, my love, my bloody valentine
Maybe I should but still I just can't walk away
Try to convince me once again that I should stay
Through all the brokenness this bleeding heart must confess
I love my, love my bloody valentine.

-My Bloody Valentine, Tata Young-

9th November 2009 marks another significant milestone.
Ernie and I have been with one another for 2 years. Yep... we've made it thru thick and thru thin... thru the rough patches and prickly times to come to where we are today. Looking back it's like whoa - we've come a long way to be here. Seriously makes you wonder, what the future has in store for this relationship.

Well my boy really has outdone himself this time. He had reservations made a long, long time in advance, with lots of planning going on behind my back, even making the effort to learn how to drive down to KL.... to bring me to the posh fine dining French restaurant, Cafe Cafe.


I'm finally here! After talking about it so much and hearing so much about it from Su Fen after she did her training there~


Amazingly cosy interior with ambient lighting


They got these pretty crystals dripping from the ceiling too that catch the light every now and then.... *love*


Check out their business card too... elegant, no? :D


Ernie all dressed up :)


One of the starters... comprised of lamb and some creamed potatoes that were SO well seasoned! I was very surprised to taste such an explosion of flavours. Damn awesome stuff.

Haha yea. Fat Kim loves food posts.


Finally getting a taste of what everyone's been shouting about - Foie Gras.
Yes it's THAT good. A little crispy on the outside and on the inside it's buttery, and literally melts in your mouth, and has none of that icky liver-y taste. Gosh this is so sinful..... and satisfying.... :D


Ernie ordered escargots in garlic butter sauce which were not to bad either!


Clams in white wine sauce.... I'm not too big on clams so I guess I can't really comment. Ernie did say the wine does go with it very well tho.


And this I've been dying to try since Su Fen's been singing praises about it. LOL. Their Wagyu beef cheeks in Burgundy sauce! And yes they actually do come from the cow's face. The meat has been simmered in wine for over 5 hours, and is just so delicate and well flavoured. This dish definitely lived up to expectations!!

The lemon sorbet and hot chocolate cake we had for dessert was pretty good as well. The sorbet was also served up in a cute shotglass!

Thank you Ernie for the great dinner and all that hard work you put into it.... And thank you for the 2 years of being my significant other, and putting up with all my crap. I wonder what the future has in store for us. And I hope it is something bright and promising.

Happy Anniversary, love.

First day back in doing morning cadio. UGH. Has it been THAT long ago since I had a 7am run!? I feel like crap. Must be the poor diet and sleeping habits. :( Sigh. O Muscles, why have I forsaken thee?

Shopaholic alert!
I. Should. Seriously. Stop. Spending.

Ei but when was the last time I hung loose eh? I've been looking out for a chic new handbag for some time too anyways. My old one is.... well.... sad. And I only have one really nice and sleek (and overused) going-out bag, and one teensy black dinner clutch. I think its something I do need to spend on this time round.

So off I went to many different places to look for the bag of my dreams - the fluffy black + pink Juicy Couture tote I fell in luuuurve with months ago. Guess I was pretty out of luck. :( Tsk. That's the problem sometimes when you wait too long to buy something... wanting to think it over "properly" and "wisely" before spending... and then when you make up your mind and go back it's gone... and you hate yourself for waiting. =.= Happens all the time. Hmph.

Anyhoo. I didn't get my Juicy Couture... but I stumbled upon the sweetest, neatest Loewe bucket bag ever!! One of the newer ones too, I think! Strange eh - I'm not exactly a fan of Loewe but this one............ Saw it on the website the previous day.... went out and snagged it the very next!!!!

Haha all of a sudden so rajin to blog.... wtf. I must be in a pretty good mood.


Isn't that just the cutest thing ever??? *love* It's small, stylish, easy to bring about... but because of the shape of the bag it fits alooooot of stuff!


Totally love the side compartments for my handphone too! No more rummaging thru all my junk looking for one bloody phone and getting all paranoid thinking if I left it back at the shop/restaurant/toilet/car/gym............


Check out the cute prints and the neat metal badges that come with it too! Oh gee~ Kim is one very happy little girl! XD

It feels damn bloody good being high-manteinance once in awhile. Hell. Every girl should be pampered once in awhile. I don't usually hit town and pull out my wallet like this but.... y'know I've been scrimping and saving so long and working my damn butt off... Had to deal with so much emotional shit the past few weeks that god-dammit, I'm not waiting upon someone else to make me feel good.

So yeah. My custom necklace arrived a coupla days ago. I wanted it to be perfect, pulled out all the stops. And here it is now!


My commercial or glamour name, "Vanity", in 925 silver and gold plating. I even paid whole load of extras for a Swarovski diamond + setting in place of the dot in the "i".


Worth. Every. Fucking. Cent.

And yea I didn't get to have my JC handbag. But... oh Christ you do know how much I love that brand..... Hence my final splurge.....


Pics taken from Ablinc.blogspot.com . This here is a set of gold charm bangles. Juicy Couture immitations. The quality may pale in the face of the real ones here and there... but why care. They're pwetty.


Oh I am such a sucker for the cute, rhinestoned bling.

And that's it for now! I think. Haha. I'm really looking forward to the weekend! My big sis Lilian is coming down from Penang to visit, and I am really hoping to catch up. :D Maybe squeeze in a workout together!!

P/s: I have NOT given up on my Juicy Couture handbag yet. =.= The search is SO on!

Hm. Wonder how long this lazy mood shall last. Training has been bleargh. Not doing half as much cardio as I used to before the filming. Just find it so, so hard to keep myself motivated at times! :( I've been told to take an ENTIRE WEEK OFF and come back fresher and hitting harder but I know my conscience won't have any of it.

On top of that I've been feeling pretty PFFFT about some matters at the gym. =.=

But I know I need to start kickin' it. Lol. I'm getting fat. Especially now that I'm not dieting anymore and seem to be permanently carb loading...... on durian dodol and ice cream and Cheezels and Nutella and everything else.....

Oh wait I DID do cardio...... 3, 4 days ago I think.


Terry Fox 2009. At the Lake Gardens. Ho-hum. Nothing very much tho... big crowd all running together and getting sweaty, hot and bothered on an otherwise sleepy Sunday morning. OOOOooooooh but they were giving out free muffins after. :P Lol. Yes I'm terrible.

Ah wells. In conjunction to my very lazy mood... I shall have a massive food post on here.


Thick toast at Ming Tien... after one of the days of filming....
This has gotta be like.... 3-4am....!? Woot. It was okay I guess. I'm not a fan of thick toast... but I sure do love ice cream!!!


This was taken very recently.... The aftermath of one of my all-you-can-eat Sakae Sushi escapades with Ernie @ Curve. 42 plates. 80+ pieces of sushi. We sure did give them hell.

I also acquired this very recent addiction... No thanks to my darling boyfriend....


Popcorn.
Yeap. Damn cheap stuff too. A great big bag of kernels for only RM4.


So you pop them in a microwave oven like so....


And 3 spoonfuls of kernels gets you a huuuuuge bowl of the stuff. I'm having lots of fun experimenting with different toppings! Huhu. My current fave happens to be peanut butter + Milo. XD Oh I've also melted a Mars Bar in there before..... XD Yummeh.

I've also taken a trip down to Swensens in SS2 with Rahul, after one of our shoots.... one of my fave places to go for ice cream. It's been ages and ages since I've last been there! Gosh the last time I had an Earthquake was when Mich was still in Malaysia! That long ago!!!


Some berry ice cream thingy we ordered... cannot remember the name. But it was damn good stuff. Lol. Strawberry + mango ice cream with blueberries and peach chunks. Sweet, sweet sin.


Rahul playing with his new iPhone....


Cos Rahul happens to be vegeterian there wasn't much choice on the menu... we decided to go with this fried veggie appetizer dish. VERY generous servings, I kid you not. Surprisingly very light and crispy too! I kinda expected it to be soggy and oily but it turned out great. The pineapple BBQ dipping sauce was also really good.


Deep fried mushrooms. This one wasn't too worth it. Came out soggy and didn't taste too good either. =/ And very little, for the price you're paying for it.....


Oh and mom introduced me to this new vegetarian place... there have been several branches popping up all over the place including Taman Paramount. It's that RM2 for 1 rice + 3 vege place.... lol. And I got all this stuff for just RM2.50 (I asked for extra tempeh). An amazing deal for so much food!! There's quite a wide variety of dishes to choose from also. Seriously wouldn't mind eating there everyday if it wasn't that loaded with carbs and fats... it's so cheap!!

Haha. You hungry yet? Oh dear God.... I am SUCH a fat chick at heart! :P